i have stopped breastfeeding kazim. he's now 22 months old. it was a moment of sudden emptiness, a pinch of sadness, and missing a lot of moments. yes, it's also a little bit of a relief since for the past weeks he had been latching on empty - and that creates a lot of pain on my part. so we both had to let go.
i will miss a lot of the closeness, the touches, his tiny body in my arms, the smile on his face after a good ‘meal’, the satisfaction on his face as he falls asleep after each feed. mostly, the indescribable beautiful bf bond of mother and baby.
i will miss him falling asleep while i breastfed him – i know every mothers will recognize this look on their baby – the lentok look, eyes shut in a heavenly bliss of full tummy filled with mom’s glorious milk, mouth sometimes open in deep slumber, sometimes with a thin trail of breast milk still hanging from his lips – adorable!
i will miss that no matter how LOUD he cries, or how badly he is hurt, how hard he fell down, he immediately went silent the moment he knows he’s getting nursed. boobies always saved the day! haha.
i will miss the wonder i have on his sleeping position – his little body contorted according to the uneven curve of my cross-legged position as i breastfed him, head resting on mom’s hard knee-bone, one hand holding dangling on the side, and STILL managed to sleep, thanks to mom’s milk – selesa ke tido macam tu? i always chuckle in amazement.
i will miss him playing with his ear-lobes in his little chubby fingers as he latched on, eyes fixed on his hopes and dreams. most probably hopes of finally climbing that dining table and dreams of rummaging through neatly-folded stack of warm clothes.
i will miss this habit of his, developed when he’s about 18+ mths old – whenever i look at him as he breastfeeds, he would cover his eyes with his palm! yes, this seemingly shy-away action is hard to comprehend – and until now i wonder why he did it. it’s not an invitation to a peek-a-boo game, he just seemed – well, shy!
right now, miss breastfeeding even more whenever kazim is inconsolable, and i knew in my heart that no matter how tight i hug him, it’s not as comforting as when he’s nursed – that’s when he will feel he is safe.
well, now i gotta make sure he knows he’s safe in my arms no matter what. BF or not, my arms are still here for him to cuddle in. my lap is here for him to sleep on. the hugs will still be there in abundance, the kisses will be infinite. yes, even until the day kazim leaves for work on some big hot-shot job one fine day haha.
nowadays, when he sleeps, he needs to hold my hands, play with my fingers, and then fall asleep. i don’t mind. after breastfeeding stops, it’s nice to know that mom’s warmth is still needed.